All It Takes Is A Goal

ATG 33: 5 simple ways to escape the comparison trap

August 09, 2021 Jon Acuff Season 1 Episode 33
All It Takes Is A Goal
ATG 33: 5 simple ways to escape the comparison trap
Show Notes Transcript

Who’s that person you always compare yourself to? Maybe it’s some perfect mom you follow online? Or maybe it’s the coworker who actually got in better shape during the pandemic? The one that got the 8-pack of abs then had the audacity to also learn Italian, start a community garden for elderly orphans, and rescue five Corgi-German Shepherd mixes? You know who I’m talking about.

Social media has made it easier than ever to get caught in the trap of comparison, but there are a few actionable steps you can take to avoid it. Listen in for the 5 easiest ways to avoid comparison so that you can spend your energy focusing on your own growth and goals.

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Jon Acuff:

Hey everyone, and welcome to the All It Takes Is A Goal podcast, the best place in the entire world, including all of Canada, to learn how to build new thoughts, new actions, and new results. I'm your host, Jon Acuff and today, I want to talk about comparison. Do you ever compare yourself to someone else? Maybe it's some perfect Mom, you follow online? Maybe it's a co worker who actually got in better shape during the pandemic? Do you have that person in your life? They say, Oh, I got an eight pack of ABS during the pandemic. I was going to stop at six I was but those extra two are just right there. And I love me some Barbies. also learned Italian started a community garden for elderly orphans in my town, and I rescued five Corgi German Shepherd mixes. Have you seen those? They're called Corman shepherds. And they're so sad because they have the mindset of a German Shepherd. Just this overwhelming desire for physical prowess, but the body of a small Ottoman. Sad, really, that's what they tell you. That's what they did during the pandemic, and you look at your own life and go, whew, yep. Maybe you compare yourself to a sibling or a friend or a neighbor or a celebrity. There's someone we all do it. But what if we didn't have to? Today, I'm going to give you five ways to escape that comparison trap. But before I do, today's episode, is sponsored by me. That's right. Today's sponsor is me. I've been really surprised at how many people who listen to this podcast have reached out to me about having me speak at their events. I love that. And here's why. Over the last 13 years, I've had the honor to help hundreds of companies like Nissan, Walmart, Microsoft, and Comedy Central at events around the world. And during that time, I've developed three big goals for your event. Number one, I want to slingshot your audience into the best year they've ever had. Whether I'm opening, closing, or somewhere in the middle of the event, I want to launch everyone out of that room with actionable, memorable things that they can apply to their work and lives immediately. Number two, my second goal, I want the sound team engaged and laughing. The sound team has heard it all, they have. And if I can make them laugh and learn along the way, the audience is going to absolutely love the keynote. And number three, my third goal, I want you to get text messages during the keynote. My favorite sentence to hear from you after I speak is, "Jon, my phone was blowing up during your keynote." I'm there to make you look like a rock star not me. If your boss texts you during my speech and compliments you on how well the event is going. Then I know I've done my job, whether it's virtual or live, 10,000 people in an arena, or 15 sales team members on WebEx or zoom or Microsoft Teams. I'd love to help you with your next event. Fill out the quick form at Acuff.me/Speaking to check my availability. That's Acuff, A-C-U-F-F, dot M-E slash speaking. Alright, why do you think it's so easy to get stuck in comparison these days? The answer is really obvious, right? It's social media. In the 1980s, my mom Livy Acuff, couldn't compare her motherhood in Hudson, Massachusetts where I grew up to other mothers because she didn't have access to their lives. She didn't. She couldn't compare her motherhood to what a mom in Spokane, Washington was doing or a mom in Houston, Texas was doing or mom in Los Angeles, California was doing because she had no access to their lives. She could compare ourselves to five moms on the cul-de-sac we lived on but that was about it. But now with social media, you can compare yourself to everyone instantly and feel terrible in 30 seconds. I mean we've always had "the grass is greener on the other side of the fence" just now we have access to 10 million backyards. That's a lot of backyards, and every other person online is perfect. Like every wife has like an amazing husband. They're always forming like hearts with the shape of their hands. Hashtag blessed. His favorite hobby is foot rubs. My husband never travels. The meals these perfect moms make are amazing. It's mac and cheese, but it's like deconstructed with a Gouda demi glaze and noodle shapes they only sell at Williams-Sonoma. And like it's all farm to table like we have our own little garden. We have a goat. We have one goat, his name is Chewy, you should follow him, he has his own account. He's adorable. And you're making your kid Easy Mac. Have you ever done that? Ever made that bowl of shame for your kid? Where you just get tired of stirring it and you give it to your kid and your kids like"Mom, it's, it's powdery" and you're like, "Yeah, life is, life is hard. It's good for you to know that now." Their kid taught himself Mandarin. Like their two year old speaks perfect, fluent Mandarin as a second language and you look at your own kid, you're like, "My kid is excelling at glue consumption. He's in The 99th percentile for glue consumption," and you feel inadequate. And that's new, I need you to remember, that's new. You couldn't do that in the 80s. You couldn't do that in the 70s. We've always had keeping up with the Joneses. Just now we have access to 100 million Joneses. So give yourself some grace. That's new. But there are also some actionable things that we can do about comparison. Actually, it's five. There's five things you can do to escape the comparison trap. And that's what I'm going to talk about today. Number one, the number one thing you can do, don't compare your beginning to someone else's middle. 10 years ago, I was on the radio with Dave Ramsey, and I was terrified. I was just terrified. And it wasn't the subject matter that scared me. We were talking about my new book at the time, I love to talk about the books I write because babies need shoes. So why was I so sweaty, nervous and awkward during the interview? Because at the time I really stunk at being on the radio. Although I love public speaking, the radio felt like this completely different animal. There might be millions of people listening, and in Dave's case there are but in that room, it was just me and him. There was no audience to react to, no crowd energy to bounce around with, no playground of a stage to pounce and walk around on. I'm all over the place when I do public speaking. So in that moment, in that chair, I froze, I choke up. I went way beyond the redzone protection, the Old Spice guy has assured me would cause me to feel as cool as a matterhorn in such moments. After our segment, I talked to Blake, Dave's producer, and said, "I don't know how he does it every day. He's like Michael Jordan in there. Unbelievable. That's so hard." And without even swiveling in his chair, Blake dropped the bomb on me. He didn't even turn all the way around. He said, "Jon, that's true. But remember, you're seeing 25 years of practice and hard work and mastery." And I wanted to hug Blake in that moment, but it's awkward to hug people when they're seated and you're standing. Have you ever tried that? Like somebody's seated at dinner and you lean down and just it never goes well. So instead, I thought I would tell you the principle that I heard in Blake's comment that day, so long ago. What I took from that moment was a new soundtrack. And here's what the soundtrack said, "Never compare your beginning to someone else's middle." One of the great temptations for us as leaders and dreamers is to compare the start of our new adventures to the middle of someone else's. Let's say you work on your first book. You work on your first book, and you pick up Max Lucado's 14th book or JK Rowling's 10th book, or somebody else, you know, James Patterson's 1,000,000th book and you think "Ugh. Mine, Mine isn't as good." You post your first blog post, and you look at Michael Hyatt's 100th and you think, "Ugh, mine is nowhere as great as that." You give your first speech, and you watch Bren Brown's 1,000th TED talk and you think "I'm not great like that." And you know what? It's true. You're not. Not yet. Because this is just your beginning. Give yourself the gift of time. Love your dream and your adventure enough to allow it to grow slowly. Don't be like me, sitting sweaty in a radio chair, across from Dave Ramsey, beating yourself up and saying "I'm nowhere near as good as he is at being on the radio." Of course I'm not. He's been doing it for decades. And I was on the show twice. I was just getting my start. And maybe you are too. So go slow. Get better over time and never compare your beginning to someone else's middle. Now, what's funny side note, I've seen that phrase get bounced around the internet a bunch. If you're curious about when I first wrote about it, I'll link to the blog post. I did it as a guest post for Michael Hyatt on May 11, 2011. It's been 10 years, I am so old. But that's the first step. The second way to escape that comparison trap is to focus on your own story. At what age do you stop having nightmares about college? Because I'm apparently not of that age yet. The details are always the same. Tell me if you've had this nightmare. I've skipped class all semester. I've skipped it for whatever reason. But suddenly I showed up for the day of the final. And it's one of those classes where 100% of your grade is based on the final. And I start to sweat and I run to the administration building to drop the class but I've missed the cut off and it's too late and then I wake up. Have you ever had that particular nightmare? The other one I sometimes have is about writing research papers. When I was in college, nobody had personal computers. Like even the rich kids didn't have personal computers. Instead, we had personal hells called"computer labs". These were stress chambers. Just these rooms that were often located in windowless spaces in the library basement that contained the most temperamental computers ever built. You never know If they are going to work or if the printer would jam, or worst of all, if you'd actually get one when you showed up in the lab. The worst feeling was walking through that door and realizing all the computers were already taken by other people who were better prepared than you. And the worst part of that whole experience was they had a phone where you could call a help desk, and I don't think it ever got picked up once. Like, I would call and call and call and I just think it was like, ringing in an empty part of the college. It was terrifying. Now in those moments, it was easy to compare myself to other people. I remember constantly asking friends, "Hey, how is your paper coming? Are you are you done? How much do you have written? How much left?" I asked them, because then I can compare my progress against theirs. In the midst of doing that one day, my friend Jimmy, everybody needs a friend named Jimmy, told me something I've never forgotten. He said, "Don't compare yourself to other people. If you're ahead of them, you'll get too prideful and you'll be tempted to coast. If you're behind them, you'll get depressed and want to give up. Just write your own paper." I love that. And I think he's right. Comparing yourself to others leads to arrogance or shame, but never happiness. Arrogance tells you "Hey, you're ahead. You're so much better than them. You're ahead. You know what, go ahead and take some time off. Go ahead and relax. You know, go ahead and and chill a little bit" and then pride comes in like a wrecking ball. Are we still doing references to that song, that Miley song? Pride comes in like a wrecking ball. Very relevant, timely. Shame, on the other hand tells you that you're behind, that you'll never catch up, that someone else has an unfair advantage and the odds are wrongfully stacked against you. That it would be a lot easier to just give up. Neither one of those, arrogance or shame, leads you one step closer to your goal. Write your own book, start your own business, lose your own weight, walk the path that you've been given to walk this year. Comparing your journey to somebody else's, is the best way to miss the one you're actually on. Number three. The third way to escape the comparison trap is to recognize the difference between comparison and inspiration. Sometimes, when I write about comparison, people push back on my ideas. People say "Well, I mean, but what if it inspires me? Like, what if comparing myself to other people inspires me to step up my game? What does it make me say 'If so and so can do it, so can I'?" And I think that's a good question. There have been times in my life where seeing someone else do something made me believe that I could do it too. For example, the reason I did a two night comedy show at Zanies in Nashville, was that I saw another comedian opening up for one of my heroes. And I thought, "Huh, I think, I think I can do that too." Has that ever happened to you? You had some experience and somebody did something you thought, "Wait a second, is that what that is? Because I can do that. If they can do it. I can too." Now, I think this feedback that I got from people around comparison was helpful, and it helped me see a big difference between inspiration and comparison. So let's talk about that. Inspiration is not the same thing as comparison. There's a lot of big differences. Inspiration, for instance, tells you anything is possible. Comparison tells you everything is impossible. Inspiration fills you up. Comparison, empties you. Inspiration drives you forward. Comparison pulls you backward. Inspiration tells you there's still time to accomplish something amazing. Comparison tells you it's too late. I wish, I wish I could give you the exact formula, or a canary in the coal mine, that made it obvious when you've left the world of inspiration, and entered the land of comparison. But I can't. I can just tell you how it works for me. When I'm inspired by others, I want to clap for them. I am able with an honest heart to cheer their accomplishments. When I get stuck comparing myself to others, though, I want to criticize them. I'm not happy for their accomplishments. I'm jealous of them. I misinterpret their success as a reflection on me. If you're looking for a definition of narcissism, by the way, just use that last sentence. When you misinterpret somebody else's success as a reflection on you. For example, I'm in an entrepreneurs group that meets virtually every Monday morning. I cheer the success of every one of those guys. When my friend Pedro has a big week, or Shawn or Ray, I'm excited for them. I don't compare. I'm not jealous of them. I'm happy for them. And I also learn a lot from them. I'm inspired. That's one of the worst things about comparison. It blinds you from learning from people. There is an author I compare myself to and anytime I'd pick up his book, I couldn't even crack it open. Because I was so stuck. I'd say "Oh, I can't believe this sold so well. I bet it's dumb. It just has a catchy title." I made so many excuses for why it was so successful. I just made a million excuses, never daring to actually read it. After doing that for years, I mean the book sat on my shelf for years, I finally opened it. And I was shocked how good it was. I could have learned so much from that book years ago if I wasn't trapped by comparison. So if you want to escape the comparison trap, it's easy. Celebrate others. Clap loud. Cheer for somebody else, when you get the chance, and you always have the chance. I hope you find people who inspire you. The world is full of them. But when you do, don't let your inspiration mutate into comparison. Inspiration is a gift. Comparison is a curse. And each day we get to choose which one we'll embrace. Number four. The fourth way to escape the comparison trap is remember, most of it is fake. Most of what you see on social media is fake to some degree. A month ago, my wife and I were in Bigfork, Montana, right outside of Glacier National Park. If you go to Glacier by the way, make sure you go the third week of July or in August because most of the park wasn't open when we were there. Because there was still snow on the roads. That's just a bonus tip. That's a travel bonus tip. So we go to this little adorable breakfast place one morning. And when we're there, when we're walking to our table, I see that they have massive cinnamon rolls. Like these things are like if you took a throw pillow, and then just slathered it in cream cheese icing, they were just gigantic. And I'm not a big sweets guy. It's not that I have a tremendous amount of willpower. It's just that I tend to lean more on the savory side. Chips and queso is my ride or die. I'm choosing salty 100 times out of 100. But when I saw the cinnamon rolls, I immediately thought "Ooo, I should buy one of those so that I can post it on Instagram. People would love that cinnamon roll." Wait, what? That's crazy, right? I wanted to buy a cinnamon roll that I wasn't going to eat, just so that I could show you that I had a cinnamon roll. What was my endgame there? What was the real goal? That you'd comment on it and be like, "Dang! Jon Acuff is the coolest. He has the best access to the best cinnamon rolls in the world. I do want to read one of his books or hire him to speak at my company. Look at his cinnamon rolls", like, what was I thinking? And so in that moment, I caught myself and I ended up not buying the cinnamon roll. But I might have if my wife Jenny wasn't there. She would have teased me mercilessly. We tend to think social media is real. I know we all know it's not. Like deep down we know it's not. Deep down we know they took multiple photos. Deep down we know they took multiple shots. And deep down we know like there's a kid crying just off, like out of the frame, or like there's a messy closet or we're seeing a snapshot. We know that, but we forget it. We forget it so often. So I think it's always good to be reminded. Remember, most of it, most of it is fake. The things you're comparing your real life to are often fake and you'll never win that comparison. Your real life will never win a comparison against a fake, edited life. The fifth and final way to escape that comparison trap is unfollow accounts that make you feel bad. When it comes to social media, you have the power and the permission to unfollow accounts that make you feel bad. If you can't look at someone's Instagram life without feeling terrible about your life life, unfollow them. There's no point to following that person. Like if every time you scroll through the people you follow, and you leave Instagram feeling worse. That is your life begging you to go "Wait, wait, wait. Oh, hey, could we unfollow some folks? every time we kind of go through our account, we feel terrible." Unfollow those people, but I get it. Like what if, what if you actually know them? What if they're your neighbors? What if it's family members? If you can't unfollow them, then God bless the mute button. I mean, are you just not in love with the mute button? I love the mute button. You can mute people. If you actually know them, feel free to mute them. If it would cause drama, if it would cause stress. If somebody is going to say "Hey, I noticed you unfollowed me" and it's not worth it, then by all means go ahead and mute them. So which of your friends should you mute? I've got a really easy solution. Mute any friend whose online persona makes it difficult to be friends with them in real life. Let me repeat that. Mute any friend whose online persona makes it difficult to be friends with them in real life. Now this is bigger than just comparison too. Maybe you don't compare yourself to some of your friends, or some of your neighbors, some of your coworkers, whatever. But if who they are online makes it hard for you to be friends with who they are offline, then you should mute them. Why does that happen? Because if there's a lens present, it's a persona. If there's a camera lens present, it's a persona. Maybe not a huge one, but the arrival of a camera changes the authenticity. It turns a moment into a performance. It does. And that's not a terrible thing. But it is a true thing. So if you have a friend where the gap between who they are online, and who they are offline is getting really, really, really wide, mute them. Put your time and energy into knowing them offline focus on real life. Right now, what's funny is wherever you are like right now if you're in your car, right now if you're at the gym, right now if you're taking a walk around the neighborhood, or doing the laundry, whatever. Right now, you're thinking of someone who lost their minds during the election. And in order to stay in relationship with them, you had to take a little bit of a break. Like right now you're thinking through your mute list, and I think you should 100% have some folks on a mute list. I think that's perfectly okay. Don't be afraid to unfollow or mute. Those are the five ways to escape the comparison trap. You want a recap because recaps are nice? I do like a recap. Number one, don't compare your beginning to someone else's middle. Number two, focus on your own story. Number three, recognize the difference between comparison and inspiration. Number four, remember, most of it is fake. Think of my cinnamon roll. Number five, unfollow accounts that make you feel bad. Unfollow or mute, you know what I'm saying. I hope you love this episode, and will express that love by writing a review for this podcast. You could say something like, I don't know."How does someone so tall create such short episodes?" That'd be a great thing to say. It's nice. It's catchy. It's short. But feel free, feel free to write your own. Like use your creativity, not mine. You do you boo. Alright. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next week. And remember, all it takes is a goal.

Producer:

Thanks for listening. To learn more about the All it takes is a gold podcast and to get access to today's show notes, transcripts and exclusive content from john f atf.me slash podcast. Thanks again for joining us. Be sure to tune in next week for another episode of the All it takes is a goal podcast.